Whay are you so Angry?

One thing that constantly amazes me about children with any type of disorder is their tendency to get extremely angry for seemingly no reason.  Notice I said "seemingly" no reason.  To a normal developing child acclimating to societal expectations is not as difficult as it is for a child with struggles.  For example:  when a teacher tells a typical four year old child to clean up they might fuss or grumble, but they will eventually comply and move to the next activity.  This is not the same with a child who struggles or has a developmental disorder.  This child usually does not hear the teacher the first time she asks and is surprised when the teacher seems upset after the seventh time she asks.  The child will often become frustrated when clean up time comes because in their mind they have just settled down to play something really good and you are ruining it.  Clean-up is a transition time and is a trigger for outbursts.

 As a parent of a normally very active and sweet child it always astounds me when the other side of her erupts.  It is ugly and now that she is becoming older her words are getting uglier.  It often goes from sweet to nasty in 60 seconds or less and the trigger is ALWAYS a request of what needs to be accomplished  and the timeframe in which it needs to accomplished in.  We know as parents that there will be resistance, nastiness and then tears of regret after punishment; but regardless of the cycle we are still the parents and she (regardless of her struggles) must comply to reasonable requests like brushing her teeth.

 
Every child shows anger in their own way.  Preschool girls tend to cry, throw fits, scream and withdraw.  Preschool boys can get very interesting.  Quite often in the case  of boys they can get combative, toss toys, kick, knock things over; much like Taz they will tear through your classroom and then when it is over look as angelic as they did before it began.  I do not want to give the impression that Preschool girls do not react as boys do-they can; I have just shared the most common reactions I have seen.  What both boys and girls can do when they are really having difficulty is have accidents (yes on purpose), refuse to eat and refuse to sleep.  When you think about it the only thing a child can truly control is the bodily fluids, eating and sleeping, thus they will exercise this control when they need to as well.  This, I can say, is not fun for the parent or the teacher. 
 

Common Triggers for Outbursts (not an exhaustive list):

•Calling a child's name out in front of a group

•Transitions of any kind
•Giving a directive of any kind (especially when an activity must be stopped)
•The word "no" or "stop"
•Changes in schedule
•Changes in common places.  For example:  going to the movies in a different theater, not the "same" one
•Items involved in rituals missing.  For example:  a favorite blanket for bedtime
•Not being listened to or not understanding them when they are trying to tell you something or request something
•Playing with others is always unpredictable
•Teacher changes or substitute teachers

The trigger list I have compiled is not exhaustive and does not fit every child, however from my experience it covers many that I have seen.  Knowing triggers lets you as the adult pick your battles and know what to be prepared for.  Now in our house we know that cleaning up is a trigger, does this mean we do not require clean-up…..NO.  It just means we know there will be a fight and tears.  We are prepared, we are calm (which helps it not escalate) and we are not surprised.  We just tell ourselves that someday she will have a boss that will expect her to do something and her answer cannot be screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!" or she will not be successful.  Always remember the fight is well worth the reward of sending a well-balanced adult into the world.  You will be doing your child a disservice if you allow their disability to be an excuse for bad behavior, rudeness, disrespect or a crutch to not be successful.  Stick to your guns. Stay united.   Keep to your word and someday you will say “I can’t believe we made it through!”

I can't

"I can't."  "It's too hard."  "I'm done."  "I already did it."  "You don't need to remind me."  "I know."  "It is the worst day."  "I need a break."  "Can I finish it later?"  "Five more minutes, please."  These and phrases like these I hear 50 times a day.  It could be an answer to a question about homework, a response to a reminder about bath time, a comment when an announcement that it is bedtime, a comeback when they are encouraged to eat, a comment when you are helping them select what to wear  or after a call for time to come in.  It truly does not matter.  If your child is strong willed or has a disorder of some type, the simple is truly difficult.

In our house it seems the largest battles are those of daily routines.  Zoe hates to be reminded, yet it is her basic nature to forget.  Thus we are forced to remind her.  It is a cycle of frustration that we all feel on a daily basis. To most people rituals like brushing their teeth, taking a bath, changing their clothes, getting items out for the next day are habitual.  For children with ADD or ADHD constant distraction is a prominent factor so keeping a schedule or rituals are almost impossible.  What is ironic about rituals is this one fact.  If you can get your child adapted to rituals and habits their anxiety (and yours) will greatly diminish, but convincing a pre-teen of this is a whole other bird.

Our quest to find balance and peace is a constant one.  So to understand how to redirect Zoe, we had to look at ourselves.  This is what we know:  Dave is the ritualistic, linear thinker who likes everything in it's place.  I am out of the box thinker who is laid-back and goes with the flow, but runs in circles all of the time.  Dave is always on time, I am always rushing to be there 5 minutes late.  Dave keeps all of his items in the same place all of the time (so he can find them).  I always forget where my items go and where I can find them again.  Zoe is a lot like me, but she thinks that she is organized like her Dad.

The paradox is children do not understand how their chemical make-up affects them on a daily basis.  They do not understand that they are easily distracted and will forget, that they are argumentative or stubborn and can even be angry at times.  That is where we as parents come in.  It is our job as parents to give our children the tools they need to become productive adults, regardless of their stumbling blocks.  Allowing them to use their diagnosis as an excuse to under-perform, not complete tasks, misbehave, be disrespectful or display any other type of undesirable character trait would be doing our child a dis-service.  Knowing this we must continue to plan, adjust schedules and the find the combination that brings out the best in our child.  Then we stick with that plan until it becomes necessary to adapt the plan again.

I often find it interesting when I talk with parent's about their children and they state that their child must "get with the program" or "fit into their house schedule."  While I understand that mentality, it does not work.  I hate to blow the misconception that each infant is mold able, but your child comes home from the hospital who they are as individuals.  They are the complete package and we are entrusted to bring out the best in them in hopes they will be positive contributors to our society.  A huge part of this is letting down the selfishness of the "me" syndrome and realizing that our children need us to adapt to bring out the very best in them.  You might have a shy child, a strong-willed child or a clingy child.  Whatever type of child you have they are individuals and each have unique talents that need to be cultivated by a loving parent in the interaction they require. 

We have learned so much over the past 12 years and continue to learn more each day.  Anxiety Disorder is a sad thing to see your child deal with and often we wonder why she has to struggle.  I often quote to myself  "it is what it is" and I submit to trust God that he allows her to struggle for a reason.  I look forward to the future to see what Zoe will do in life.  One thing I truly find comfort in is that Dave and I fought to get her the help she needed and the intervention she needed to be as successful as possible.  I can tell you the first time we heard her say "I can do it" when she was writing a paper it was music to my ears. 




  

I Just Don't See It

"I just don't see it" is a comment that we heard over and over again.  The teachers didn't see it, our family didn't see it and the school psychologist did not see it either, but in our hearts we knew something was wrong and that she needed help.  We knew that there were irrational fears that could not be redirected or soothed, she was missing academic connections at school, she had difficulty making close friends, she had difficulty sleeping, she had an enormous amount of energy, she had difficulty expressing herself; there were so many signs.  The problem with school observations are often they cannot see the combination of symptoms experienced at home.  This is even more true for a child who is not a behavior problem or is not grossly behind in their academics.  In Zoe's case if you took each symptom one by one you may be able to explain them away with creative logic, however if you see the anxiety component in action there is no doubt that it is a real and horrible experience for her.

The important thing to remember is that you (if you are being honest with yourself) know your child better than anyone else.  If you do have moments of doubt do the following:

• Leave your pride at the door.  Pride does not help anyone if you do not want to admit there may be an issue with your child.  It becomes selfish and self-serving.  There was never a moment that we were embarrassed about looking for help, a possible label or the fact that all help in school is labeled "Special Ed".  We only knew our daughter needed help to be set-up for success.  To do less would be setting her up for failure and would have been horribly selfish on our part.  It would not have changed the outcome either.  Whether  diagnosed through early intervention or later in life-Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD would still be a part of Zoe.  The only difference is by allowing her to learn skills early in life we truly believe she will not struggle as much later because she has learned important coping skills.  We are so thankful that we left our pride at the door for Zoe.  It was worth it.
• Observe other children your child's age and see how they interact socially, how they react to transitions, how they react to changes in the schedule and if they are able to follow directions without assistance or looking lost. 
• Talk to other parents of younger, older and peers.  Engage in conversations about transitions, how they make friends, anything that will help you gather information on what is typical behavior.
• Read, read, read.  The Internet is a wealth of information about atypical behaviors, signs and warnings, symptoms -virtually everything.
• Consult an outside professional.  Have them meet with your child, look into your concerns and meet with your family.  This was key in developing a plan of success for Zoe.
• Develop a plan.  The whole family will need to be on board for the plan to work.  If your goal is to work on a certain fear then all of you will need to proceed the same way.

A word about family.  We all love them, but they can never understand what goes on at your house with just a glimpse of what they see of your child on visits.  They do not know that your child may have been in the bathroom throwing up because they were worried about the weather before you arrived.  They do not know the nights until late that you are up with your child because nothing you do can ease them to sleep.  Be respectful of their opinion, but proceed with what you know is right for your child. 

Now if you are reading this and you are a parent that has been approached by a teacher, a loved one or someone who sees your child on a regular basis that there may be an issue the best advice I can give is to listen to what they have to say and think about it before responding.  It is normal to feel defensive, caught off guard, parent guilt for not noticing; all of these emotions are normal.  After you have milled it over and have let the sting of the conversation soften a bit consult a professional.  I live in Holly Springs, North Carolina and work quite often with a group called Project Enlightenment .  Project Enlightenment is sponsored by Wake County Public Schools and is an amazing resource for both parents and teachers.  Now for the best part-it is free and they will go into your child's preschool classroom to observe!  There are many great counselors there, however the person I have great respect for and have known for 14 years is John Panepinto.  He is great with children and parents alike.  You truly cannot go wrong with him or with Project Enlightenment.

Please remember Early Intervention is the key to your child's future successes. 

I Don't Want To Go To School

This picture is a lot more pleasant than we have experienced every year when it came to going to school, but you get the point.  In our case it was what I like to call the "peeling" syndrome.  If you work in preschool like I do you see it everyday.  The child who comes in crying, who clings to their parent and who the parent has to peel off.  This was our case most of the time in the preschool years, however we did learn some drop-off rituals that helped us greatly:

1. Don't let school be an option:  it is normal for a child to not want to attend and it is normal for them want to stay with you.  In a case with a child that is atypical, you may have fears to calm, however making a school an option is a HUGE mistake.  That is unless you want to home school.
2. Prepare your child for school:  yes.  Even if they go everyday.  Be excited for them.  Today you are going to see ________ and do __________.  I am so excited for you.  Remind them of the fun they have everyday.  Ignore the stomach aches, headaches, etc.  Just let them know if anything goes wrong or if they get sick you can get to them.
3. Discuss crying and clinging before arriving at the school:  make it a part of your routine.  Talk about your expectations and how you want them to drop off.  It will take a long time for your expectations to be met, but when it does make a big deal.
4. Do not make drop-off a long and drawn-out ritual:  go in, put their stuff away, wash their hands, kiss them, hug them and tell them you will be back soon.  Then leave.  Do not go back in.  Do not stand at the door.  Leave.  The classroom teacher will do their job and ensure that your child is comforted.
5. Give them something of yours to keep for the day.  Zoe always kept a watch, my picture and I put a piece of tape on her that said "my Mommy is coming at 5:00 pm".  I guess she felt comfort in having my things close to her and the tape let everyone know she was being claimed at 5:00 pm.  To this day she has little trinkets she will put in her pocket if she is anxious or nervous.  It is endearing and sweet. 
6. Do not let them see you cry:  I cannot tell you the number of times I talked in my high pitched encouraging voice, peeled Zoe off, shut the door, turned around and then burst into tears.  It was horrible to know she was upset and afraid, however as the parent I had to show her that the teachers were people I trusted to keep her safe and that I would come and get her everyday.  This built her self-confidence and security every time I held fast to our ritual.
7. Do not assume your child is crying because of their teacher or their school:  especially in the case of children with identified disorders. They have difficulty with transitions of any kind.  The morning one is no different.  That is why so many parents scratch their heads when their children come in crying and leave crying.  They just do not want to transition.
8. To set your mind at ease you should look for the following in a preschool teacher:  one who greets your child happy everyday, one who is compassionate towards their personality, one who openly discusses the strategies they use to ease your child's transitions and one who knows your child's likes and dislikes.  A great question is "Do you know my child's favorite color?" I feel knowing the answer to this question sets apart a decent preschool teacher from an excellent one.  Now if you ask it and they do not know and they are an excellent teacher...I guarantee you they will now the next time your ask.  I want my child to have an excellent one.  Thankfully for Zoe she always has had excellent teachers.
9. Know in your mind that everyday will be a struggle...that way you will not be surprised :)

Tips for transition to Elementary School:

1. All of the above applies.
2. Go to orientation and write a letter to the teacher prior to your child starting school.
3. Only walk them in to class the first week.
4. Notice tears, but do not overly caudal.  It will not help them adjust-trust me.
5. As you walk into the school show them of where the following places are:  office, cafeteria and bathrooms.  Everywhere Zoe goes she needs to know the location of the phones-to call us, the food-in case of hunger and the bathroom for obvious reasons.
6. If they hide under their desk or in their cubby, calmly remove them and help them find their desk.
7. Leave a note in their book bag that has all of your numbers in case of emergency.  Make sure your child knows it is there.
8. Make sure they know the what, when, why and how they are getting home.
9. Then leave.

Every year we had a teacher change it was as difficult as the year before.  The rituals greatly helped but I cannot take full credit.  It was truly the behavior-therapy that she received helps her work through her anxiety and find her inner strength.  As she grows older she relies on talking through her fears (analyzing them really) and reading her bible.  She finds comfort in her faith and in knowing as she puts it "God's got this.  Right mom?"  At times she does get upset and ask me "why" she has anxiety, but we always direct her to what we know.  God allows all of to have struggles in life with a hope that we will in turn bring encouragement to others who struggle.  The people who feel they have no hope, no direction or noone to talk to about their struggle.  Since this is the purpose we believe of struggles we do not choose (like anxiety) then it stands to reason that we will chose to do our best to help others through information and encouragement.  My wish is that you will always feel encouraged by what I write and the experiences we have had as a family.

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Be Your Child's Advocate

The road to getting Zoe assistance in the public school system was long.  It started with us approaching the school saying that she needed to be observed and tested and they did not agree.  If you know me I am not a person who takes the word "No" very easily.  Especially if I feel protective over a member of my family.  Once I heard "No" I began researching.  Here is a map of what I learned:

1. Regardless of the school's initial opinion, you can write an official letter to the Principal, School Psychologist and Teacher.  In this letter you state your concerns, what you have seen at home in regards to schoolwork, behaviors that concerns you, request official testing of your child and request a time for you to come in an observe you child the classroom.  This will get the ball rolling.
2. Go into the school a week later and request a meeting with the Principal to discuss your letter if you have not heard from them.
3. Email the Classroom Teacher and School Psychologist to get a "Firm" date for testing and for your observation.
4. Keep in mind-all of this is your right and they cannot refuse you or your child.
5. After testing most likely your child will miss the mark (like us) by a few points to get assistance.  They will say "we are so sorry.  we know your child struggles, but our guidelines for assistance state that they must score ______ and she/he scored above that.  we cannot help you."  Well this sentence to me was a lot like "No".  I kindly said that I respected their opinion, but that was not good enough for me and they would hear from me next week.  What Zoe needed was an IEP (individualized education plan) designed for her needs.  She also needed help in writing, math and reading to catch up.  I could not accept "No".
6. I began researching again and found the Charles Schwab Foundation  http://www.schwabfoundation.org/ .  This site has been a wealth of information for me.  Through this site I found a loop-hole called a 504 Plan http://www.theparentaladvocate.com/what-is-a-504-plan.htm .  Basically a 504 Plan protected Zoe's rights to receive help regardless of what the school stated.  All I needed to do was have her tested by a Psychologist and proceed.
7. Find a child psychologist that is well known and trusted.  We are so fortunate to live close to The Lucy Daniels Center http://www.lucydanielscenter.org/ .  Their mental health cooperative was amazing and our Psychologist http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/Lauren_A_Formy-Duval_PsyD_Durham_North+Carolina_77860  was incredible with Zoe and we are not only grateful for what she did for Zoe, but for how she helped Dave and I as well.  Once she wrote a letter to the school an IEP was put together within a month.

Now a few things.  Get over the term "Special Ed".  Who cares?  If you do early intervention your child will not be affected by the term and have a healthier self-esteem because of their successes.  Get over labels?  You child is your child.  The complete package.  Label, no label.  Diagnosis, no diagnosis.  They are who they are.  We learned early on we needed to humble ourselves to ensure Zoe's success later in life.  Does she have a label-yes.  Is she bothered by it-no.  Why?  We gave her the tools to understand it.  Did she attend Special Ed? Yes.  Dis she care? No.  Are we eternally grateful for pushing for her to get help-YES.  I just wish we would have proceeded in Preschool.

This journey is not easy.  It has many road blocks-including family members that "just don't see it".  I cannot encourage you enough to hold fast to you gut and advocate for your child.  Do not take "No". for an answer and do not listed to doubters.  There rewards at the end of this journey.  Zoe who in Second Grade who could barely keep her head above water just made honor roll for the first time in her life.  I praise God for the struggles and for the drive he gave us to advocate for her.  Don't forget....leave your pride and anger at the door.

Happy Advocating!

It's Time To Go

For any parent getting your child ready in the morning can be a task, but for a parent of a child with ADHD, anxiety disorder or another type of social or developmental issue it can be monumental.  Just simply asking the question "Did you remember to brush your teeth?" can ruin a once quiet morning. Our children have a tendency to drag their feet, forget to complete tasks, remember that they did not complete homework, give you papers to fill out at the last minute and can never find their shoes.  Lest I forget the stomach aches, felling tired, having a headache and the other ailments that go with the anxiety portion that tugs at a mother's heart as she pushes them out of the car door hoping that they really aren't sick.

Over the years we have gotten better with routines.  I should say rituals because they need to be the same for the child to remember and the parents to remember what step they are on as everyone is rushing to get out the door.  I stress we have not mastered this we have only improved, however I will share what a perfect "getting out of the house" ritual would look like at our house.

The Night Before:

• Discuss the who, what, when, where, why and how.  Very important if it is a change in the normal life of your child.  Children with ADHD and anxiety need things to stay consistent and to stay informed of the plan.
• Have your child locate the items needed:  shoes, backpack, coat, etc.
• Ask if homework is done, if they need to bring anything to school (or trip)
• Tell them what time they need to get up and set an alarm.  Set an alarm even for younger children.  Make sure you pad the time generously for falling back asleep, refusal to get up and dragging of feet
• Ask if they have any questions

The Day of:

• Half of your battle is over by preparing the night before
• Make sure your child is up and eating before you start getting ready or if you are very routine like my husband you will be ready before you even get your child up
• I am sure you will need to go in and wake your child up a few times or hit the snooze button for them.  I suggest staying calm and humorous as you wake them up.  This will make for an easier morning.
• While they are eating set another timer.  We call it the get ready timer.  When they hear it they know it is time to go up and get ready.
• This will be the most frustrating time of your morning because this is the time your child gets the most distracted.  They cannot find what to wear, they are looking in the mirror, they are day dreaming, etc.  In our case we have to call upstairs when she has five minutes left.  Make sure when you call five minutes left that you actually have ten or fifteen.  We made the mistake of letting our child know the real time....urgh!
• If all goes well you should be out the door (somewhat) argument free and on time.

One thing I used to do was criticize parents who adjusted their lives to fit a child's.  That was until I had Zoe.  We adjusted our lives to not give Zoe control, but to teach her life skills that will make her successful in the future.  If we forced her to look at the world as we do or function as we do, how would that help her when she is on her own?  Another reason we adjusted is for peace and relationship with Zoe.  God made Zoe who she is.  A complete package.  Someday she is going to do great things and it is our responsibility as parents to give her the skills to fulfil her purpose.  Teaching her rituals will help her when she is older to stay organized, get to work on time and to lower her stress.  It hasn't always been easy, but I thank God everyday for a partner like Dave (my Sweet husband of 20 years) who has learned to be flexible when he is as stubborn as she is.  His love for her and his wish for her to be successful always wins over his need to be number one.  That is except when it is his turn for the remote and he simply cannot take one more episode of a tween Disney show.

The Dreaded Movies

For anyone with anxiety it is difficult for them not to be in control of their surroundings, but for a child it is truly scary. Zoe once described it to us as the feeling that "something is always waiting around the corner to pounce on you." I asked her what things? She said "a tornado, a vomit virus, a bad headache, a hurricane, death, a kidnapper, a stomach ache....anything Mom. You just don't know when.".

A grey sky will keep her from wanting to go to school so in our house we always rush over weather reports-always. It is the one thing that will make both Zoe and our dog Ricky hide under the blankets (yes our dog too-yes I am serious). She does not like surprises. She does not like games with too much suspense, building music or timers (I.e. concentration). One thing, however we never realized was Zoe's anxiety in the movie theater.

Ever since Zoe was two we would try to take her to the movies to see the newest kids movie. Each time I would spend the whole movie with her in the bathroom dry heaving and having stomach issues. Dave and I being the smart parents we are said "popcorn is too greasy." Next movie same thing so we said "sprite is too sweet." Next movie same thing so we said "it must be that we go out to eat every time and the food is too greasy."
After about 10 times of (me) missing movies we decided to just not go anymore. We couldn't figure out how she could watch a movie at home and be fine and watch the same movie in the theater and be sick the whole time.

It was Zoe's play therapist that explained to us that in the dark movie theater which is an unfamiliar surrounding she doesn't know what is coming next. Her anxiety manifests at a level that she gets physically ill anytime she does not know what is going to happen.

Where does that leave us as a movie going family? Well at $ 7.50 per person we would not be going anyways, however with Zoe...let's just say we have a very large movie collection and Netflix ;)